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Yeah, yeah. It's been a minute. Or two. I don't know.

I'm so disappointed in myself. So sick and tired of failing... I don't know what to say about it anymore. I'm not sure that I ever have. The truth is...

I can't say anything about it, because the only way to make it better is to fix it but I've been failing at so many things for as long as I can remember. I can't say I'm trying because if I were really trying I'd be getting better. I can't say I'm trying, because in the act of saying "I'm trying," I'm not trying, I'm just defending myself. I want to try. I do a lot of things that I consider to be trying...

No, no. I don't see it. I must be lying to myself again.

Quit it with the artsy-fartsy self-pity, lady. Just. Seriously. Quit it.

OK, OK. I'm disappointed with myself because...

I stopped going to Tai Chi.
I stopped going to my technical writing class.
I never went to my Microsoft office classes.
I didn't finish all of my journals.
What I did do, I did today. Hours before they were due. Not throughout the semester like I promised myself I would.
I lied to Chef Brooke. I told her I was on top of it.
I told her I would be on top of it.
I lied to her and then I asked her for a letter of recommendation.

I'm so sick of calling up that renewed sense of, "Well yes I made this mistake, but NOW I'm not going to do it anymore!"

I don't want to fucking do it anymore.

Why am I like this? The self-saboteur started winning again, and I saw her creeping up on me, and I see her here, and I still do... nothing. I can't do anything! Of course I could do anything if I just cared enough. But I do care! GODDAMNIT.

And I am trying but my "trying" is pathetic. I try by sucking it up and doing the laundry - trying to talk to myself about getting things done and not holding chores against my husband, but I still just can't help it. He said he'd do it, but then he couldn't because he had an extremely long and rough day and didn't have the time, so I offered to do it, but then when I had the free time I hurt because goddamn cramps. And he didn't offer to help... he didn't see me in pain and offer, Hey, you know, I've got time to do this, I'm not in pain. No. And of course I can understand that. He just finished up his semester, too. And he wants to rest as much as I want to rest. And his back hurts from the shitty bed. And he can actually function enough mentally to clean up a goddamn room. And I focus on little tasks like the dishes and laundry and sweeping when it occurs to me and taking out the trash, but don't just point at a goddamn room and say clean because I can't do it. I won't do it. I don't know if I can't or if I won't. I don't know the difference.

I can't go through a whole year of school without failing a class. Or, I won't because I'm just lazy and selfish. I don't, because... because...

I'm smarter than this.

You can always get what you want so long as you want what you want more than you don't want to do the things you have to do to get it. My dad's rather long-winded way of saying...

Stop complaining. Don't hold yourself back. You can do anything.

If you're not doing it, there is something wrong with you.

Executive functioning! I lack it.

No, you're just looking for excuses because you don't want to put the effort into doing shit.

But I do.

No, you just want people to think you do so that they like you.

That's pathetic.

But it's not true. I just want to be able to hold myself together. I want to pass classes. I want to be strong.

Well, you're a fucking coward. How's that for you?

And today I thought he was doing that cold-shoulder thing he did a week or so again, and I thought it was because I really pressured him to help me get the laundry to the laundry mat and tore him away from video games. Like he's just going to start saying I don't do anything again or he'll just stop talking to me and any conversation we have will be cold and distant and I won't be able to do anything right, because I can never do anything right.

Don't go thinking you're the victim, though, silly girl. His palpable frustration is brought on by things that would drive anyone crazy. They'd drive you crazy, if you were dealing with them in another person. They drove your mom crazy. They drove your sister crazy. You are lazy.

You know, I should give the whole non-judgment thing the benefit of the doubt. Avoid emotionally charged judgment words and go for descriptions. If I am an observer, this is what I see:

You're inconsistent about a lot of what you do, think, say, and believe.

You'll be strong on the dishes for a week, and then you won't do them at all. You'll be on top of your grades for a semester or two, and then you'll let them slip. You'll pick up a new project - crocheting, drawing, cross-stitching - and then you'll stop doing it. You'll communication with your sisters regularly for a couple months, and then you won't talk to them for several more. You'll be confident for a few hours, and then you'll be a nervous wreck for a few more. You'll understand why you're doing something one moment, and then you won't.

That actually seems to help. I don't know what it says... in terms of my value as a person. But that's not what this whole non-judgment thing is about. No. It's just about seeing the truth, and understanding that it is what it is.

And then naturally the questions arise.

Why do I do this?

What is wrong with me?

I've investigated my childhood. I've investigated my relationships. I've investigated my thought patterns. I'm considering ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome... linked with mild but chronic (I don't know if I'm using these terms how they would be used in a clinical setting, but I'm using them in a way that feels true to my experience) depression. I used to think I was bipolar, but that never fit. I thought about obsessive compulsive disorder, but that's not it either. I have extremely obsessive thought processes (this entire journal entry, case in point)... I get irrationally angry and... and I'm so afraid of withholding the anger because what if it's something I really should be angry about?

I never know until after the anger has passed. I try to ask myself, but if I'm angry, the answer is always, yes, you have a right to be angry about this. Look at the injustice! And I'm swept away. It's only later when I realize either, OK, yeah, that was a jerkass move your husband made, now we can talk about it reasonably or, more likely, shit, that was retarded of me - I wasn't thinking about the whole picture at all, I was just focused on these little details and taking them completely out of context.

I've investigated the thought that what's wrong with me is the fact that I'm always trying to investigate what's wrong with me. This line of thinking is exactly the problem. But no... because this line of thinking has calmed me down from the previous line of thinking. I no longer want to rip my hair out.

You're doing really well... I know you don't realize it but...

My therapist said something like this, and I could kind of tell what he was thinking. He was thinking, you're worrying over nothing - I've seen much crazier than you. Look at you - you're well-spoken, you clearly have a good head on your shoulders... I don't think the problem is as bad as you think it is. But because he's a trained psychologist who knows how hurtful that line of thinking can be, he stopped himself and put himself into my shoes and acknowledged that if I say it's hard, it must be fucking hard.

Maybe somebody else wouldn't find it hard. But I do. And there's no point worrying about that making me weak or lazy or stupid or worthless. That line of thinking is a worthless line of thinking and doesn't get you anywhere.

But I don't know if this line of thinking will ever get me anywhere, either.

Anyway, I'm freaking out about the plane trip on Sunday... I know it doesn't show. Or people just want me to shut up about it. They think it's silly that I'm so nervous, or they think, you don't physically show the signs of nervousness. That's why a part of me really wants my husband to see what it looks like for me to actually be on the goddamn plane. But maybe he'll just keep telling me to 'just get over it.'

He says he recognizes that it's hard to change but then gets so frustrated with me anyway.

But yeah. Chronic wreck from impending plane ride, plus disappointment with self over failure of classes...

Plus realizing that I am actively afraid of making my husband do that cold-shoulder thing again. The whole walking on egg shells thing... I read a book that I believe applies to this situation - The Myth of Sanity - but I have no fucking clue what to do with that information. I'm going to a therapist. I'm slowly trying to convince my husband to go see a separate couples' therapist. He doesn't see the point. He thinks there isn't a problem.

What he doesn't seem to get is that there is a problem. Maybe it isn't on his end - maybe he feels fine and great. But I don't. I feel like I'm always fighting a battle against an impending meltdown, and it's definitely a losing battle, and the harder I fight the worse it is... but if I don't fight at all, I'm useless. I can't function at all.

There is a problem. I don't want us to go to couples' therapy because I think there's something wrong with you. I want to go to couples' therapy because I want to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I want you to want to learn how to communicate with me, or... maybe you feel like you do. But I don't want to feel like I'm walking on egg shells around you, and I know you feel the same way about me... that you never know when I'm going to jump down your throat for a joke or join in on the fun. And I don't either. And I don't know why I'm like that. And I don't know which side is stronger. You say - and not just you, but my mom, and sister, and step-dad have all said it too - that if you feel divided like that, then you just have to listen hard enough. One of the voices, your gut, will speak up the strongest and that's your true self.

But I've tried listening. I've tried soul-searching. I've tried loving-kindness meditation and now...

Now I'm just denying the possibility that I can get better. But I can. I will.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 27th, 2013 03:27 am (UTC)
Wow. I don't even know where to begin to comment because I can relate to so much of things you just said. From the erratic obsessive behavior, laziness, arguments about chores, constant feeling of an impending meltdown, husband feeling like there is no problem and I can go on.

Sometimes I feel like I just think too damn much and create problems for myself that don't even exist.</p>

I hope writing helps though. I find it to be pretty therapeutic. This is a good place to unload.

I wish I could say something more helpful but I can relate too closely to say anything really valuable. Haha

Apr. 27th, 2013 02:58 pm (UTC)
It's nice to know there's something relateable in what I'm saying. It makes me feel less crazy - I felt while I was writing this that I was just jumping incoherently from thought to thought. I kind of was, but it's nice to know somebody else can see some coherence here. Anyway, yeah. Writing is what does the trick, for the most part - I was hanging out with friends before I wrote this and just couldn't let myself be a part of the group. So I just came up here and wrote and it calmed me down a lot. Writing doesn't solve all the problems, but it sure helps with the thinking too much on occasion, and with putting things in perspective. :)
Apr. 27th, 2013 09:49 am (UTC)
I understand so much of this and admire your bravery to admit it.
Apr. 27th, 2013 03:00 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks. :) If you can relate to any of this, then know that my good thoughts go out to you. It can be a struggle to hold yourself together, but it's a struggle that has moments that totally make it worth it.
Apr. 27th, 2013 04:00 pm (UTC)
You're right. I think part of it, for me, has to do with the overwhelming stress of failure to a perfectionist. Another part might've been just being too stressed out in general.

Usually expressing gratitude, even for small things helps calm me, but there were times when I can recall yelling at myself in very similar fashions as you're doing to yourself.
Apr. 27th, 2013 04:19 pm (UTC)
Expressing gratitude for small things = <3. I try to do it when I can think of it... but probably not as often as I ought.

Yeah. I've always had high expectations for myself, because I've always heard that I'm a very smart person. I don't know that I'm ever looking for perfection, but maybe I am - I'm just looking for my life to reflect how smart I like to think I am. >_> heh. heh.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )


Lady Chai

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